Struggles of a bi-polar weaslehttp://jimmywhite.blog.co.uk/en-EUhourly82000-01-01T12:00+00:00Struggles of a bi-polar weaslehttp://jimmywhite.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/f5/1b481fc4c22b2cdae6b46427fc833e_160x200.jpganother notehttp://jimmywhite.blog.co.uk/2008/07/25/another-note-4498982/2008-07-25T21:01:15+02:00 <p>So, i once again sit contemplating suicide, blade in hand. It would be a relief, I wish i were strong enough to do it. But i dont know if i am. I want it so much. I never recovered from my own past, Grandad was my favourite person in the world but i think i coped with his death. Then greg, someone i wasnt so close to, his death broke me right down. Then Lisa. Her death i couldnt even hope to cope with. I dont know if i ever will. It certainly seems to have lead me to this point. So, on anti-depressants again. Blade on wrist. AGAIN.I really want to give up. Its what i want, i want to sit here with tears rollin down my cheeks and i want to kill myself. But im too scared. How stupid is that? What is there to be scared of? What people will think? Il be dead, not really sure that should matter to me. I wish for death. I wish i werent. I wish for le fin.
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<p> <small> <a href="http://jimmywhite.blog.co.uk/2008/07/25/another-note-4498982/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>So, i once again sit contemplating suicide, blade in hand. It would be a relief, I wish i were strong enough to do it. But i dont know if i am. I want it so much. I never recovered from my own past, Grandad was my favourite person in the world but i think i coped with his death. Then greg, someone i wasnt so close to, his death broke me right down. Then Lisa. Her death i couldnt even hope to cope with. I dont know if i ever will. It certainly seems to have lead me to this point. So, on anti-depressants again. Blade on wrist. AGAIN.I really want to give up. Its what i want, i want to sit here with tears rollin down my cheeks and i want to kill myself. But im too scared. How stupid is that? What is there to be scared of? What people will think? Il be dead, not really sure that should matter to me. I wish for death. I wish i werent. I wish for le fin.
]]>the notehttp://jimmywhite.blog.co.uk/2008/02/21/the_note~3760652/2008-02-21T15:41:46+01:00 <p>Well, 2007 was an awful year, the worst year of my life thus far. Iv come to accept that this illness is going to be with me for what may be the rest of my life. The realisation in an odd way has helped to deal with it; there will be ups just as the downs, natural or not, will always come and go (hopefully without stickin around for too long at a time). Of course i came close to breaking point in the summer, felt my grip on sanity fade away as my desire for life simillarly ebbed, looking back im not sure how i got through, my arms picked up scars for the first time in a long time and i just remember eventually being able to see the end of the tunnle again. I suppose when i look back in years to come the year will be mostly remembered for one thing; Lisa's death. I was sat on my sofa in wesley place when i heard, john asleep and snorin on the floor-it was Easter Sunday. I got a text,so surreal at the time, I thought you should know, Lisa passed away yesterday. My first reaction was to offer Emma my support, ask if there was anythin i could do. My second was harder, alone save for john's snorin i sat in silence, unnaware of the tv, unaware of anything. Tears. I didnt wake John but lost my temper with his snoring at one point; shouting at him to shut up (to no avail!). No, i just sat there alone, in the dark, silently feeling tears roll down my cheeks and my brain once more retreating into itself. Maybe one day it wont hurt so much, maybe one day il love another as i did lisa, but now either thing sems unlikely - iv never known feelings like it since, in multiple year relationships or passion-fueled trists. Still, im starting to cope with it, I can think about her know, fondly and without sadness. Iv even started feeling myself fall for another girl, although whether she feels the same way is a mstery to all save her.<br>
Whilst the worse of my year, Lisa was not the only aspect. I became near homeless for a while, due to Johnsy delaying and then cancelling his moving in with me. This in turn resulted in me living alone for months as the depression grew and i struggled to cope with my lost love. Between my lonliness and my having to pay two peoples rent (plus Johnsy's deposit!), i could barely eat and the colour drained from not my skin but my eyes, the world growing darker despite the increased sunshine. To this day I have seen none of the £600+ from johnsy and doubt i will-my main regret being the loss of Johnsy as a friend, now distant and more like an aquaintance, too many months spent avoiding me.<br>
What next? Well, before all of this and less daaging than either, i failed my Masters. A trifle i suppose but it remains my first and only ever fail-perhaps id'v been well served to learn the lesson of acadmeic failure at an earlier age that it might be easier to deal with then? Throughout my life the only confidence iv had is in my academic ability-general self-loathing occupies most else, im neither attracive or posessing of a good first impression; likeable without ever being fanciable, physically or otherwise. now i started to doubt my mental aptitiude as well, although i have since gone onto pass at the second attempt and yes have even built my confidence up slightly.<br>
The good? Growing closer to new friends, Kristen and i are closer than ever and i have become great friends also with people like Andy, Dan, Milly, Sharna, Laura, Becca, Tash, Dean and i could go on still for many lines.Iv moved in with two girls, Suze and Rhiannan and whilst im still not sure about living with them i am sure they are good people and potetntially good friends.<br>
And so 2008 beginds and im unsure if i want to be a part of it. Is it a desire to live which has kept me from doing it so far or just, as i believe, fear. Perhaps il find out one day. One thing i do know, if i dont find someone to talk to about my illness, my shame my secret, it could very well finish the job of killing me, takin my life to go with my soul.<br>
now i sit, waitin for my housemates to lave the kitchen so i can get a knife before i get in the shower. i love you all, my family, my friends, maybe il see you soon. Im too much of a coward to do it, i want to die but i cant bring myself to do it. i wishi i could, i would that i had the courage to trace the knife accross my wrist, but i dont. Once again i fail.</p>
<p>xx
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<p> <small> <a href="http://jimmywhite.blog.co.uk/2008/02/21/the_note~3760652/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Well, 2007 was an awful year, the worst year of my life thus far. Iv come to accept that this illness is going to be with me for what may be the rest of my life. The realisation in an odd way has helped to deal with it; there will be ups just as the downs, natural or not, will always come and go (hopefully without stickin around for too long at a time). Of course i came close to breaking point in the summer, felt my grip on sanity fade away as my desire for life simillarly ebbed, looking back im not sure how i got through, my arms picked up scars for the first time in a long time and i just remember eventually being able to see the end of the tunnle again. I suppose when i look back in years to come the year will be mostly remembered for one thing; Lisa's death. I was sat on my sofa in wesley place when i heard, john asleep and snorin on the floor-it was Easter Sunday. I got a text,so surreal at the time, I thought you should know, Lisa passed away yesterday. My first reaction was to offer Emma my support, ask if there was anythin i could do. My second was harder, alone save for john's snorin i sat in silence, unnaware of the tv, unaware of anything. Tears. I didnt wake John but lost my temper with his snoring at one point; shouting at him to shut up (to no avail!). No, i just sat there alone, in the dark, silently feeling tears roll down my cheeks and my brain once more retreating into itself. Maybe one day it wont hurt so much, maybe one day il love another as i did lisa, but now either thing sems unlikely - iv never known feelings like it since, in multiple year relationships or passion-fueled trists. Still, im starting to cope with it, I can think about her know, fondly and without sadness. Iv even started feeling myself fall for another girl, although whether she feels the same way is a mstery to all save her.
Whilst the worse of my year, Lisa was not the only aspect. I became near homeless for a while, due to Johnsy delaying and then cancelling his moving in with me. This in turn resulted in me living alone for months as the depression grew and i struggled to cope with my lost love. Between my lonliness and my having to pay two peoples rent (plus Johnsy's deposit!), i could barely eat and the colour drained from not my skin but my eyes, the world growing darker despite the increased sunshine. To this day I have seen none of the £600+ from johnsy and doubt i will-my main regret being the loss of Johnsy as a friend, now distant and more like an aquaintance, too many months spent avoiding me.
What next? Well, before all of this and less daaging than either, i failed my Masters. A trifle i suppose but it remains my first and only ever fail-perhaps id'v been well served to learn the lesson of acadmeic failure at an earlier age that it might be easier to deal with then? Throughout my life the only confidence iv had is in my academic ability-general self-loathing occupies most else, im neither attracive or posessing of a good first impression; likeable without ever being fanciable, physically or otherwise. now i started to doubt my mental aptitiude as well, although i have since gone onto pass at the second attempt and yes have even built my confidence up slightly.
The good? Growing closer to new friends, Kristen and i are closer than ever and i have become great friends also with people like Andy, Dan, Milly, Sharna, Laura, Becca, Tash, Dean and i could go on still for many lines.Iv moved in with two girls, Suze and Rhiannan and whilst im still not sure about living with them i am sure they are good people and potetntially good friends.
And so 2008 beginds and im unsure if i want to be a part of it. Is it a desire to live which has kept me from doing it so far or just, as i believe, fear. Perhaps il find out one day. One thing i do know, if i dont find someone to talk to about my illness, my shame my secret, it could very well finish the job of killing me, takin my life to go with my soul.
now i sit, waitin for my housemates to lave the kitchen so i can get a knife before i get in the shower. i love you all, my family, my friends, maybe il see you soon. Im too much of a coward to do it, i want to die but i cant bring myself to do it. i wishi i could, i would that i had the courage to trace the knife accross my wrist, but i dont. Once again i fail.
]]>todayhttp://jimmywhite.blog.co.uk/2008/02/21/today~3760646/2008-02-21T15:41:11+01:00 <p>I had a bad day today. I found a suicide note i dont remember writing. A note less than 6 weeks old. I dont know if i can do this anymore, the whole bi-polar thing, its more than i can bear
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<p> <small> <a href="http://jimmywhite.blog.co.uk/2008/02/21/today~3760646/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>I had a bad day today. I found a suicide note i dont remember writing. A note less than 6 weeks old. I dont know if i can do this anymore, the whole bi-polar thing, its more than i can bear